The Anti-Midas, at your service

Everything I touch these days breaks. It started with our garage door opener; turns out that if the gear that turns the chain is out of alignment, banging on said gear with a hammer won't fix the problem. The new opener is somewhat precariously installed, awaiting delivery of a replacement tensioning screw I may or may not have broken while putting it together. I also managed to snap off the (stupidly delicate) plastic tabs on the opener button. The fine gentlemen at Home Depot thankfully let me plunder another opener box for a new plastic button, though they told me not to stop at the register and carry the button out in my pocket. Three cheers for retailer-mandated shoplifting.

The entropy-by-touch continued with my car itself, which kicked on the "Check Engine" light as I was driving away from the dealership, having just paid for my 90,000 mile maintenance. I haven't had time to take the car back in, because the javascript code I added to two dozen web pages broke links in Firefox browsers (but not Internet Explorer or Chrome, oddly). Fixing the coding issue has been an absolute slog, because our normally rock-solid internet provider has been having random outages all week, the new script file broke the company server it was uploaded on, the content management system that stores the web pages keeps crashing when I try to save them, and the editor in charge of approving my changes came down with pneumonia.

Seriously.

If blogger.com or Google itself should wink out of existence tomorrow, my devoted hypothetical readers will know exactly what happened.

Since I have no doubt that my entire company will soon fall victim to some bizarre trading scandal and go belly-up, I'm going to need another source of income. I've decided to start posting ads on Craigslist offering my voodoo services. For a small fee, I will hang out with your enemies, use their electronics, operate their appliances, handle their food, and root for their favorite team in the Super Bowl. And now I'm shutting off my computer before I cause a failure in the power grid.