Can you procrastinate from procrastinating?

Apparently so. I have work that needs doing, but I decided to put it off and update the blog. But then I couldn't figure out what to write about, and I put off updating the blog by watching kung fu movies (of which I have a small, but growing collection). Then I realized the point of this is to be somewhat of a brain-drain for me. Thus, I proceed, coherence and narrative convention be damned.

Originally I was going to talk about the wedding I attended in Santa Barbara this last weekend, but that would have turned into a long-winded rant about how much I hate southern California and United Airlines. Instead, I thought I'd sum it up with a few bullet points of unsolicited advice to various parties.

* To United Airlines: it's completely acceptable to tell me that you cancelled my flight because not enough people bought tickets and you would have lost money. I get it. You're a profit-driven enterprise. It might make people angry, but it's better than the alternative you've chosen, mumbling something about "mechanical problems." This does not instill a lot of confidence in the minds of your customers. Also, please refrain from hiring flight attendants who refer to certain routes as "white-knuckle roller coaster rides" in front of passengers. Especially passengers who've had two flights cancelled already due to "mechanical problems." Thank you.

* To southern California: enough already. Pick a spot somewhere in Los Angeles. Declare it to be downtown. Move the important stuff within a 15 to 20 minute walk of this spot. Build lots of mass transit things so people can get there easily. When completely random side streets are choked with traffic at 2:00 in the afternoon on a weekday, this is unacceptable. Now get cracking. I was also thinking of requesting that you ban the wearing of sunglasses indoors, particularly in restaurants, but then I realized that this would make it 5% harder to spot the insufferable, pretentious, name-dropping assholes that flock to your sprawl.

* To all wedding DJs: "Billie Jean" is the greatest dance song of all time. Failure to play this, especially if it's requested, should result in immediate forfeiture of all fees, and possibly prison time. Also, "Play that Funky Music White Boy" is played out. Done. Vastly overrated. A neon sign that lets the whole world know you lack creativity. Third, you should play no more than one song from the Bee Gees or the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack. Disco is, at its core, totally soulless. Play some Motown or Prince instead.

Boy, the bullet points kept that from being overly long. Thank god I kept it under control.

I'm going to end this post by mentioning that there's some sort of YouTube hive-mind out there by which everyone but me instantly becomes aware of all video content the minute it's uploaded. Every time I send someone a link to a video, they curl their lip and sneer, "Dude, I saw that, like, three weeks ago." With this in mind, I have (recently, belatedly) discovered this, and declared it the single greatest YouTube video of all time. I know you, my hypothetical readers, have seen this, like, a dozen times already, dude, but please try and enjoy anyway.